It's Saturday morning, well afternoon now as its 13.26.. I didn't get up until 12.30 pm, keep waking through the night and having the most random dreams. Plus sleeping is the only thing i seem to enjoy anymore. Oh and drinking. But even that's not the same anymore. Not sure what happened to me this year, well apart from being dumped from someone i thought i loved now i'm not so sure, seeing someone else to finding out he was still sleeping with his ex, getting so wasted all year and offending everyone then worse not remembering it in the mornings, just having to re read my mental Facebook statuses and texts on my phone and putting it all together then cringing for the next few weeks, oh and losing my job! I suppose maybe its due to these events I have turned into an obsessive depressive.
I've taken my medication today so maybe the anxiety will start to ease off soon. But then again, Mark wanted to see me today and the thought of meeting a guy gives me anxiety so maybe it wont go away until i put him off? Meeting men for a date has been like a phobia to me majority of my adult life. Could it be down to my Dad cheating on my mum most of our young lives, or maybe my first love cheating on me and getting someone else pregnant... Either way, he was the only guy i ever got excited about meeting. Since then I've dreaded every moment of every date, i cant let go and just enjoy the moment. I definitely think too much - something the medication is supposed to help but clearly not enough.
So what to do today, AHHHH I wish these neighbours would piss off with their constant thumping, I wish i could just go upstairs and punch them the face some days, they are the type of annoying neighbours that when you have a few people round once in a year and a half and they come knocking the next day about the noise. Or even worse the complain about me smoking in my own bedroom as it rises up to their bedroom window and they don't like it! Well maybe if you stopped smoking right outside our front room window or my mums bedroom window i'd consider lighting my candles again. And yes i'm 28 and still living with my mum. Not sure i could handle living alone at the moment.
Anyway back to today. Maybe i'll go to Abbie's today. Grab a bottle of wine on the way as it always makes socialising easier. I cant seem to go to peoples houses and just sit anymore. I get anxious and irritable, i have to get up and do stuff, even when i'm at home. Seem to have turned into some sort of weirdo. Drinking helps make me relax but if i drink too much i'm 10x worse the next day. I know its bad but all the talk about the world ending, i didn't believe it but i wished it was true! I know its selfish too but life is just one big struggle, i wish i could wake up one day and be excited about what the day will bring. I know there's so much to live for but i cant seem to enjoy anything or do anything without having major panic attacks inside.
I think i should probably get up and make some breakfast now, or shall i say lunch! Think i'll put the radio on while i'm cooking, music always helps lift my mood and anxiety.
Oh and i'm new to this, this is my first blog.
It's now just gone 5pm, my head is hurting and it's not helping with the music blaring out but i get satisfaction of pissing off upstairs with my music as i know they hate it. But yes, i'm waiting on Abbie to come and get me, i've told Mark i'm not going to see him. Hopefully he's not pissed off with me. I hate waiting. But hopefully after a couple glasses of wine I will feel good again! If Abbie ever turns up that is.
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