New year is out the way and I'm finally starting to feel human again. You could say i got pretty wrecked NYE, most of the night is a blur and waking up cuddling someone i did not want to be has left me feeling pretty rubbish and raised my anxiety - this is why i shouldn't drink! I may have said some things i shouldn't have. The pint of wine straight after that morning definitely made me start to feel better again. I stayed at Abbie's drinking myself into oblivion new years day too. I dreaded coming home and sobering up. But i suppose after 48 hours of being on a bender it had to be done. And surprisingly i didn't feel as bad as i expected yesterday, apart from what felt like a broken finger and my vision being blurry all day I felt half human. I feel quite strange today, still cringing majorly but just pretending all's OK. The Klumps (new name for upstairs as they always seem to sound like elephants charging) pissed me off as per usual with their thumping all day so my musics blaring again, trying to sound them out. Its doing a pretty good job too so far.
So it's back to work tomorrow, back to reality. I feel like crying!! Why can't I win the lottery and just enjoy life! Although I'm sure I still wouldn't enjoy life but i think i would more than what i do now. Can't face the thought of work again, but on the up side its only Friday then i have the weekend again. Now I've said that I'm even dreading Monday now, back to working everyday 5 days a week, cant think of much worse right now. I mean they all seem nice at work but I haven't been there that long and it takes so long for me to feel comfortable with people and new places. Got to stop thinking all these negative thoughts.
I wonder whether I'm not as depressed as i usually would be after drinking so much is down to the fact I heard from my ex New years day, not the cheating one, well not that i know of. You know certain people that just give you that natural high. I didn't think i would give a crap about talking to him anymore and i don't think i want to get back with him but just hearing from him has secretly made me feel a little happy.
Think it will definitely be another day of settee and rubbish day time TV today, cant face the world yet. I am actually contemplating changing my number again just so no-one will be able to contact me for a week or so.. What is wrong with me?!
Thursday 3 January 2013
Monday 31 December 2012
NYE 2012
Well its NYE, i should be excited to party like the rest of the world. But no, I'm secretly dreading it. Nearly every new year I have got smashed and made a complete fool of myself. I was meant to go to Abbie's again tonight for NYE drinks but after the other night I'm not sure its the best idea, I can't remember the end but just storming off drunk livid with Abbie's fella. I felt he'd been making little digs at me all night and i ended up having a drunken screaming match with his mate then Paul - Abbie's fella told me to get out (so I've been told) so i did, sobbing my eyes out like a baby & after calling him names. God why do i always end up making a complete tit of myself, why cant i just have an enjoyable night like most normal adults do. Feel a bit embarrassed about going back there if I'm honest.
Sat on the sofa all day yesterday feeling over anxious. I've wasted so many days sitting around in my pj's on the sofa watching Judge Judy or whatever else is on daytime TV, i think i should clean up and get dressed now. Then think some more about what I'm going to do tonight.
Time to turn the music up!
It's now 4pm, I've sorted things with Abbie, although still cringing about going back tonight. And my mum is staying in on her own :( Do I really leave my mum indoors alone on NYE? Abbie keeps asking if I'm coming to hers and I was meant to be going another friends party. I hate this, what ever I end up doing I'm going to feel guilty to someone either way.
Sat on the sofa all day yesterday feeling over anxious. I've wasted so many days sitting around in my pj's on the sofa watching Judge Judy or whatever else is on daytime TV, i think i should clean up and get dressed now. Then think some more about what I'm going to do tonight.
Time to turn the music up!
It's now 4pm, I've sorted things with Abbie, although still cringing about going back tonight. And my mum is staying in on her own :( Do I really leave my mum indoors alone on NYE? Abbie keeps asking if I'm coming to hers and I was meant to be going another friends party. I hate this, what ever I end up doing I'm going to feel guilty to someone either way.
Saturday 29 December 2012
Saturday 29th December 2012
It's Saturday morning, well afternoon now as its 13.26.. I didn't get up until 12.30 pm, keep waking through the night and having the most random dreams. Plus sleeping is the only thing i seem to enjoy anymore. Oh and drinking. But even that's not the same anymore. Not sure what happened to me this year, well apart from being dumped from someone i thought i loved now i'm not so sure, seeing someone else to finding out he was still sleeping with his ex, getting so wasted all year and offending everyone then worse not remembering it in the mornings, just having to re read my mental Facebook statuses and texts on my phone and putting it all together then cringing for the next few weeks, oh and losing my job! I suppose maybe its due to these events I have turned into an obsessive depressive.
I've taken my medication today so maybe the anxiety will start to ease off soon. But then again, Mark wanted to see me today and the thought of meeting a guy gives me anxiety so maybe it wont go away until i put him off? Meeting men for a date has been like a phobia to me majority of my adult life. Could it be down to my Dad cheating on my mum most of our young lives, or maybe my first love cheating on me and getting someone else pregnant... Either way, he was the only guy i ever got excited about meeting. Since then I've dreaded every moment of every date, i cant let go and just enjoy the moment. I definitely think too much - something the medication is supposed to help but clearly not enough.
So what to do today, AHHHH I wish these neighbours would piss off with their constant thumping, I wish i could just go upstairs and punch them the face some days, they are the type of annoying neighbours that when you have a few people round once in a year and a half and they come knocking the next day about the noise. Or even worse the complain about me smoking in my own bedroom as it rises up to their bedroom window and they don't like it! Well maybe if you stopped smoking right outside our front room window or my mums bedroom window i'd consider lighting my candles again. And yes i'm 28 and still living with my mum. Not sure i could handle living alone at the moment.
Anyway back to today. Maybe i'll go to Abbie's today. Grab a bottle of wine on the way as it always makes socialising easier. I cant seem to go to peoples houses and just sit anymore. I get anxious and irritable, i have to get up and do stuff, even when i'm at home. Seem to have turned into some sort of weirdo. Drinking helps make me relax but if i drink too much i'm 10x worse the next day. I know its bad but all the talk about the world ending, i didn't believe it but i wished it was true! I know its selfish too but life is just one big struggle, i wish i could wake up one day and be excited about what the day will bring. I know there's so much to live for but i cant seem to enjoy anything or do anything without having major panic attacks inside.
I think i should probably get up and make some breakfast now, or shall i say lunch! Think i'll put the radio on while i'm cooking, music always helps lift my mood and anxiety.
Oh and i'm new to this, this is my first blog.
It's now just gone 5pm, my head is hurting and it's not helping with the music blaring out but i get satisfaction of pissing off upstairs with my music as i know they hate it. But yes, i'm waiting on Abbie to come and get me, i've told Mark i'm not going to see him. Hopefully he's not pissed off with me. I hate waiting. But hopefully after a couple glasses of wine I will feel good again! If Abbie ever turns up that is.
I've taken my medication today so maybe the anxiety will start to ease off soon. But then again, Mark wanted to see me today and the thought of meeting a guy gives me anxiety so maybe it wont go away until i put him off? Meeting men for a date has been like a phobia to me majority of my adult life. Could it be down to my Dad cheating on my mum most of our young lives, or maybe my first love cheating on me and getting someone else pregnant... Either way, he was the only guy i ever got excited about meeting. Since then I've dreaded every moment of every date, i cant let go and just enjoy the moment. I definitely think too much - something the medication is supposed to help but clearly not enough.
So what to do today, AHHHH I wish these neighbours would piss off with their constant thumping, I wish i could just go upstairs and punch them the face some days, they are the type of annoying neighbours that when you have a few people round once in a year and a half and they come knocking the next day about the noise. Or even worse the complain about me smoking in my own bedroom as it rises up to their bedroom window and they don't like it! Well maybe if you stopped smoking right outside our front room window or my mums bedroom window i'd consider lighting my candles again. And yes i'm 28 and still living with my mum. Not sure i could handle living alone at the moment.
Anyway back to today. Maybe i'll go to Abbie's today. Grab a bottle of wine on the way as it always makes socialising easier. I cant seem to go to peoples houses and just sit anymore. I get anxious and irritable, i have to get up and do stuff, even when i'm at home. Seem to have turned into some sort of weirdo. Drinking helps make me relax but if i drink too much i'm 10x worse the next day. I know its bad but all the talk about the world ending, i didn't believe it but i wished it was true! I know its selfish too but life is just one big struggle, i wish i could wake up one day and be excited about what the day will bring. I know there's so much to live for but i cant seem to enjoy anything or do anything without having major panic attacks inside.
I think i should probably get up and make some breakfast now, or shall i say lunch! Think i'll put the radio on while i'm cooking, music always helps lift my mood and anxiety.
Oh and i'm new to this, this is my first blog.
It's now just gone 5pm, my head is hurting and it's not helping with the music blaring out but i get satisfaction of pissing off upstairs with my music as i know they hate it. But yes, i'm waiting on Abbie to come and get me, i've told Mark i'm not going to see him. Hopefully he's not pissed off with me. I hate waiting. But hopefully after a couple glasses of wine I will feel good again! If Abbie ever turns up that is.
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